Watch out , Nicolas Cage ! Brandon Routh is muscling in on your territory with Dylan Dog : Dead of Night , in theaters today . Yes , the man who slip the part of Kal - El from you is point your “ horrible Z - movie ” crown .
The difference of opinion is , the last couple Nic Cage outrages , Season of the Witch and Drive Angry 3D , were at least entertainingly appalling . Whereas Dylan Dog , after a promisingly schlocky first half minute , is just … muffled .
despoiler beforehand !
We ’ve talked a peck lately about the fact that urban fantasy and noir detective news report have been converge , and urban fantasy is where a lot of the most interesting noir written material is happening . But the danger with both those genres — either together or one by one — is that they ’ll devolve into pastiche . The unsound case scenario with the cliches of hagridden loner detectives , and big - city vampire , is that they ’ll become endlessly ego - referencing and fatally mindless .
If you want to see that scourge made substantial , just watch Dylan Dog . It ’s either a very unfunny comedy , or a very still action picture show , one or the other .
There ’s nothing in Dylan Dog that you have n’t seen a million multiplication before . Except that you ’ve in all likelihood never take in it done this inertly .
In Dylan Dog , a handsome but despondent detective has given up on his former task of mediate among the vampires , werewolves , zombie spirit and other nasties . Now he just photograph unfaithful husbands at motel , Veronica Mars - style . Except that he gets describe into a event of slaying by werewolf , and then it turns out that some foul vampire are call for . And there ’s a giant Zombie Hulk rip people apart as well . His client is a beautiful , innocent blond woman who knows nothing of the extrasensory earthly concern , and is totally innocent — and if you ca n’t see the slick twist coming , then you ’ve never seen a noir flick in your life-time .
You know it ’s a horrendously regretful sign when a picture show urgently tries to prompt you of other clobber that handles the same subject thing with more adroitness . Like , the lamia in Dylan Dog hang out in vampire nightclubs , where they deal lamia rip to addicted humans . How do you know that these vamps are supposed to remind you of HBO ’s True Blood ? Maybe because the motion picture calls them the True Bloods , over and over again . Literally every other line in vamp - land is , “ He ’s one of the True Bloods ” or “ How long have you been a True Blood ? ” It ’s like they ’re hoping some residuary goodwill will scratch off .
And that ’s really about as subtle as this picture ever get .
Also , everybody — even wolfman — insist on calling humans “ breathers , ” as if hoping you ’ll be reminded ofS.G. Browne ’s noveland thus cut them some slack . Why would the werewolves , who actually do breathe , call mankind breath ? It ’s a extrasensory thang , I approximate .
( The vampires have a nightclub , but meanwhile the werewolves have a core - packing flora where they hang a punch suitcase from one of the maulers , because they ’re too wimpish to punch core like Rocky . Why do the werewolves start the meat - packing clientele ? Better not to ask , I guess . )
Brandon Routh does his best with some frightful stuff . And if your main criteria for a movie ’s achiever or failure is , “ Does Brandon Routh take his shirt off ? ” then you ’ll be well-chosen with this one . Routh seems pretty gung - ho as he glowers and smirk his way through one ridiculous situation after another . He also add the required noir voiceover — whenever someone ’s not spill on screen , Routh ’s vocalization pops up and fills in the gaps by state something like , “ If you turn your back on the past times , it ’s bind to come and punch your face into the nowadays . ” Somebody is go to collect all of the little apothegm from Routh ’s voiceover into a little inspirational book of sayings for the hopeless and bewildered .
Meanwhile , there is comedy . Sort of . For one thing , the vampires are sort of snarky , and the capitulum wolfman seems to be attempt to invent a new alien accent in some of his scene ( but not others . ) But most of the alleged comedy comes from Dylan Dog ’s partner Marcus ( Sam Huntington ) who — coddler alert — becomes a zombie and has to deal with the stresses and indignities of life as a zombie . He starts to smell , he involve to eat decay subject , he fall back an arm and has it replaced with an African American ’s arm . And he goes to a zombi support group . At no distributor point does Marcus ’ plight ever actually become comic , but you could sort of see the procurator for humor .
Oh , and speaking of placeholder — there are several parts of this moving picture where you’re able to sort of see the moving picture - manufacturing business making a genial distinction : “ Insert Action Here . ” There are action scene , but they are generally peremptory and uninvolving . One scene , where Dylan storms a vampire club , wait like it ’s really examine for some excitement , but the pacing is dreadful and there ’s some slow girlpop playing gently in the desktop , drain what little life the scene might have otherwise had .
And then there ’s the concluding nail in the casket , which is the Syfy Original Movie - flair creature effects , specially the unearthly “ red Lucky Charms ” contact lens lenses the werewolves wear when they ’re midway wolfed - out . ( Or maybe they ’re meant to look like that bird who ’s addicted to Cocoa Puffs , when his eye get all crazy . Hard to say . )
You sort of know , going into a pic like Dylan Dog , that it ’s going to be a cheesy barn - movie . The most you may trust for is that it ’ll join the hallowed ranks of “ so big they ’re good ” cheese - platters , like so much of Nic Cage ’s recent piece of work . Which is why it ’s lamentable to have to describe that Brandon Routh ’s attempt to claim the Crown of Cage has give out . Dylan Dog manage to be the one thing that almost no Nic Cage lot ever is : Totally forgettable .
Brandon RouthNic Cage
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